There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
