You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
