There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
