when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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