What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
