Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
