3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
