I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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