not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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