We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
