Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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