so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There are leaves in my underwear?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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