Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i love accidental penises.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
