there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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