i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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