I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
