ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
