Having a random hookup so left but love u
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
