A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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