You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
