Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
