do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
