He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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