I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
