I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
