She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
