i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
pray to the hookup gods
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
