apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i out mim tonsoeep
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