My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
