I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
