Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So many bounce houses so little time
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
