I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
