my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
