Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
A+ Viking dick
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
