My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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