Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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