There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Green mimosas i think yes
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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