I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
