Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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