i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
