I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
