I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I am mentally ready for anal.
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