My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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