Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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