I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
