Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
