Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
