I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
