doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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