i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
