my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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