Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
