so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
