so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
