"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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